Saturday, January 21, 2012

Being real... for real

             So what does a person do once they realize that they have not given enough weight to their own life and their own true selves? I have recently realized that I often find myself looking in on the lives of others and comparing their life against my own. But why? Probably out of a lack of comfort within myself. I sometimes wonder if there is something better or something I am missing. In the midst of all of that, I end up missing out on myself and on my own life. I miss out on little things with my kids, and I miss out on appreciating all that I have right now. A close friend once had a dream in which she told me to appreciate what I have and stop trying to have what I don’t have. She thought it was so funny and out of the blue, but it made total sense to me! I need to focus on me, focus on myself and my life and my kids so that I don’t miss a beat. Once I really truly begin to do that, I will have people wondering about me and wanting to be near me and get to know me. Once I feel comfortable with myself, people will feel comfortable with me and I will no longer be wondering what is going on in the lives of others because I will be fulfilled, and many people will be a part of my life simply because they want to. It had taken me so many years to realize this, and I have been so worried about other people since I was child- probably because no one thought about me, and I thought that caring a lot about others would make them care about me. Instead, the opposite happened- the more I cared about them and placed weight on them, the less they thought me interesting or worthy of being around because I stopped caring a lot about myself and I stopped placing value on myself, which makes people not respect you and not trust you—if you cannot love and respect yourself how can you truly love and respect other people? If you cannot trust yourself how can you trust other people? If you cannot understand and appreciate your own emotions, how can you understand and respect the emotions of others? Why did it take so long for me to understand all of this? Why did it take so many mistakes and self inflicted heart ache to come to these conclusions? I think the simple answer is that experiencing pain and sadness and difficult situations is the only way that such things can come to light in a person’s life. I feel like I have realized these things for a long time but I did not have the strength and confidence in myself to act upon what I already knew. I was so afraid that in not caring what other people thought or said and standing up for myself I might lose people in my life- not realizing that if someone cannot accept me, they should NOT be in my life anyways!! Such a good lesson learned, and one I will live by from now on. I can’t wait to see the results and reap the benefits of my new found emotional maturity that I am building, and my new confidence and self respect…